The Italian Memorandum

[Adapted and revised by Robert M. Housby, from a July 12, 2003, America Online: e-mail, PVO KID; Entitled, Close To, Round About, Or Nearby]

One Sunday, a denominational minister gave a sermon on baptism. The sermon was obscured, however, by his attempt to avoid the actual meaning of baptism as immersion, with the substitution of sprinkling. He proceeded by talking about the baptism of Jesus in the Jordan River. It did not mean “in,” he protested, but rather, “close to, round about, or nearby.” Again, he continued, when the Bible speaks of Philip baptizing the Eunuch in Acts 8, it did not mean “in the water,” but rather, “close to, round about, or nearby.”
After the sermon, a man approached the speaker and declared how great the essage was, and how it had cleared up many mysteries for him. For instance, he said, the story about Jonah getting swallowed by the whale has always othered me. Now, I see that Jonah was not really in the belly of the fish, but, close to, round about, or nearby. Then, there is the story of the three Hebrew oys thrown into the fiery furnace, but were not burned. Now, I see that they ere really not in the furnace, but, close to, round about, or nearby, keeping arm. Then, there is the story of Daniel in the lion’s den. I see that he was not in” the lions’ den, but, close to, round about, or nearby, like at a zoo.
He continued with delight, these explanations have been a great comfort to me, eeing that I’m a wicked man. Now, I am grateful to know that I won’t be in hell, just close to, round about, or nearby. And, next Sunday, I won’t need to be in church, but close to, round about, or nearby. Thank you so much! You have ut my mind at ease.
The reader is urged to consult Deuteronomy 4:2 and Revelation 22:18,19, which plainly states not to add to, nor subtract from the word of God.

-Robert M. Housby